I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
We just celebrated my son’s ninth birthday. If you had asked me ten years ago what my future son’s ninth birthday would look like, I might have described the perfect summer pool party. Something rambunctious and loud and perfectly planned. Water balloons and canon ball contests and twenty sun-kissed kids clamoring around a cake shaped like a surfboard. Hot dogs and music and grown up drinks in red plastic cups for the adults.
Guess whose ninth birthday looked absolutely nothing like that.
This is what we do, we special needs parents. We compare what we think a childhood should look like to what our kid’s experience actually is. I play this game a lot, and it’s like Tic Tac Toe. Nobody wins.
This birthday, I stopped myself from creating a day I thought my son should want. I didn’t plan a thing. There were no invitations and no guests. I told my son to plan his perfect day, and I sat back and followed his lead.
His plan involved sleeping in my bed on his “birthday eve” so he could “wake up really early to a birthday hug.” He wanted me to decorate the chandelier over the kitchen island so he “could feel happy all day.” He wanted waffles, he wanted his ABA therapist to make him a card, he wanted his dad to come over after work. He wanted Hailey, his long-time sitter, to take him to see his favorite airplane, he wanted a funny video from his uncle, and he wanted cheese pizza with candles on it.
There was no fanfare, no plethora of ticky-tacky presents, no big to-do. It was simple and easy, and pared down to only those things that were important to him.
As I tucked my son into bed at the end of the day, his eyes half-closed with exhaustion, I asked him how his ninth birthday was. He smiled. “It was so awesome, Mom. I sure am loved.”
I sure am loved.
My son has such a difficult time in so many areas, but he knows exactly how to make himself feel happy and loved. It makes me wonder who is really teaching who here.
My son’s ninth birthday was nothing like I would have planned. But for the first time, it was everything it was supposed to be.
Sincerely,
Becca
Love it! Congrats, Jax!
Reblogged this on Never Less Than Everything and commented:
I absolutely love this post. It is so much about letting go of OUR expectations -giving in to what someone else wants and needs- without feeling a loss for our own desires. Such a touching moment. Such a testament of true love. <3
You might be my favorite person ever.
Beautiful.
Thank you. My son’s birthday is in 13 days…I can’t wait to him to tell me what he wants (he is non verbal).
I read your blog regularly. You are an amazing parent.
Drew’s 17th Birthday was Saturday & it was everything he wanted, no matter how untraditional no matter how “unbirthday” but as anyone’s birthday should be, no matter who, or their situation it should be all about them. Happy Birthday Jax!??✈️
I just started following your blog and I’ve loved every post! You’re an amazing mom! Thanks for sharing 🙂
So touching, sounds like your son has his priorities in order!
Xia’s day sounds like it was perfect;)
Beautiful.
Thanks and nice job! It’s a good reminder to me as I plan my daughter’s 10th birthday. Unfortunately, she also has in her mind how a birthday should look and longs to want that perfect birthday party, even though she wouldn’t enjoy it. I need to keep in mind your son’s great day and help her plan a day she will actually enjoy. Thanks Becca!
Dude- we can all learn so much from this little man. Thank you for sharing Xia’s wisdom and reminding us what is important in life. Happy birthday Xia!
Reblogged this on AM/RA Poetry and commented:
So sweet, thought-provoking…
What a beautiful and inspiring post! My oldest, autistic, will be turning 14 this month. For his first three birthdays, before I knew he was autistic, I did the pool party, invites, cake and present thing. Now we kind of play it by ear. But I think this year I’ll try your idea and as what HE wants 🙂 Thanks again.
What a beautiful tribute to your son, and to you–for understanding that a special needs child requires our love as the foundation and a willingness to put aside our pre-conceived expectations of what our child should do and want and accomplish. We also raised a child with special needs and together we went through those intense highs and lows and learned a lot about ourselves in the process! –Patti
Reblogged this on dannyapple.
Wow, Becca – great post! So many times we do try to live vicariously through our kids. I had to constantly remind myself, I’m not making my memories, I’m making theirs. My kids are grown now, so I appreciate the opportunity to remember pieces of their childhood.
Such a beautiful post!
Reblogged this on Spectrum Perspectives and commented:
Donl’t “should” all over yourself. Create what works 🙂
Great post