I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
"To girls everywhere, I am with you." This is how a woman who was assaulted and raped behind a dumpster at Stanford University ended her statement to her attacker at his sentencing hearing. My admiration for this woman is seeping out of my pores. If this were me,...
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent.
It’s been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can’t wrap my head around how we allow a child to fall through the cracks so frequently that he becomes invisible. How a child with no parents is surrounded by umpteen “service providers” paid for by the government, and yet, no one knows this kid or does anything to meaningfully help him. How we diagnose a kid with “anger issues” and force him to take medication strong enough to knock out a horse when, holy hell, he should be angry. If righteous anger about this system of ours requires medication, then someone better pass me some tranquilizers.
The system is broken. I know you know this. You know it’s bad, I knew it was bad, we all know that the child welfare system is one giant cesspool of absolute heart-breaking disaster.
My friends, I need you to know that it is worse than we thought. It is so much worse than we thought.
Sometimes this kid tells me stories about his life in the system that he thinks are normal and funny. They aren’t either of those things, and I don’t know whether to go along with it and smile, or whether I should wrap him in a hug while he figures out that this story is, actually, not ok, that some of his “good memories” aren’t very good at all.
The stories that he knows are not normal nor funny will break you. That’s a promise.
I think I am supposed to share this story of his. We talked about it, and he and I are going to write this together – at his pace, within his comfort zone, with him calling most of the shots. This is a very brave young man.
The plan is to get this his story out into the world in hopes that we can do some good, in hopes that this will heal him and do right by some other kids. That’s the plan for tomorrow and this coming week and for however long it takes.
But not today. Today, I’m going to buy some of his favorite foods – tres leches cake, Ritz crackers and American cheese – I’m going to tape a big, gaudy sign on the garage for his arrival and wrap up a present my son and I got him a few weeks ago. His room is set, his closet is full, and in eight hours, for all practical purposes, he becomes my kid.
He has a story to tell, for sure. My goal today is to add an honest-to-goodness awesome memory to that story.
Welcome home, kid.
Sincerely,
Becca
I’m excited for you, for him, for all involved. Keep moving mountains!!
I was proud to be a friend of yours before, now I am amazed, thrilled and so hopeful! Thank you! I want to know more.
So Awesome…Congratulations to all!
Awwww crying!!! So glad you are embarking on this amazing journey. For all three of you! ❤️
You are amazing…your kids are amazing. Love your little family!!!!!
Love what you’re doing! Can’t wait to read more.
I have just found your page and want to thank you for writing about thia experience of fostering…. It is something I have wanted to do for a loooong time but have been afraid to do. I hope with your bravery guiding me that I too will jump in and offer a safe reliable home for a young teen/adult. I thank you for your courage.
What you learn in knowing teens in State ‘care’ . . . will fill buckets.
But you already know that. Enjoy the ride! This is such a good thing
you are doing. Kudos.
Rebecca, you’really a true angel (goddess, duidess…) for doing this. In parentheses are the titles of the celic and natuŕe-worship faiths of my past
Hi Becca! I am SO with you on this. My husband and I are also taking in a foster child who is 17. Her story breaks my heart. Out systtem has not only failed her, but in my opinion one of her case worker has deliberately worked to outright sabotage her attempts to succeed! U wish I knew how to change the system for these kids, because it needs to change!
Aww. He will get a safe and loving home. Can’t wait to hear more about him.