I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
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A few days ago, I was looking back at the photographs I have of my son before we brought him home, photos of when he was still in China. One of his therapists wants to do a photographic timeline with him, and I was click-click-clicking through the photos on my laptop pretty quickly. There aren’t that many, and I’ve seen them all a thousand times before. I was on auto-pilot, dragging the ones I wanted into a folder.
There’s my little guy after his first surgery, there he is hanging out with a big green ball in the orphanage, there he is in a wacky pink romper with a big hole at the crotch so he could pee easily. Oh China, so innovative. My photos aren’t organized, it’s one of those things that’s been on the to-do list for, ohhhh, eight years. Whatever, I have other gifts.
In the wrong folder, in the middle of photos of a pool party I don’t remember, I stopped. Abruptly. My heart got all beat-y and heavy and soft. Because this one, this picture right here.
This picture might be the most important photograph I own. This picture turned me from “Ok, I guess I’ll be going to China then” into an expectant mother.
I’d already decided to adopt my son before seeing this photograph. We had seen the two photos in his file and reviewed some medical information, and said “Yeah, ok, he looks good.” (But seriously.) I knew I was traveling to China, but I didn’t feel like a mom. I was excited-ish, but mostly, I was hella nervous. They give you more information about a cabbage patch doll than they do about a real child. It’s a little cray cray.
But I committed. I was adopting. Uncertainty and all.
What if he doesn’t love me? What if this is a mistake? What if it ends up being strange that my kid looks nothing like me? What if I make a big mess out of his birth story? What if I regret not having bio-kids? What if he wants to move back to China?
What if I don’t love him?
That’s the big one. I know you get it. Everyone on the precipice of adoption who reaches out to me gets it. Because everyone of you asks this question, just in a nicer, politer form:
“Did you love him right away?”
No, I didn’t.
But right before we traveled, I got this photo and I knew I would. I absolutely knew I would.
Look at him. Sitting with tiny, tiny splayed legs that have no muscle tone. He’s three years old here, but he looks like a baby. He’s wiping tears from his eyes. What does his sweatshirt say? Cheese Blue? I don’t even know.
What I knew was that there was this crying boy in China who didn’t have a family and I was going to go get him. I wouldn’t love him right away because he was a stranger and only silly movie people fall in love with strangers right away, but I knew I would fall in love with him over time. He needed a mom. The little boy in this photo needed a mom and I could do that. I would figure it out and I would be ok. I knew I would fall in love with him.
There is no such thing as other people’s children.
I don’t know who first said that quote. Hillz? Glennon Doyle Melton? Confucius? I don’t care, it’s amazing. Read it again. I mean, really read it. Because YES.
Those of you thinking, considering, making pros and cons lists about adopting – stop already. Just go. Do it. Am I being reckless here? Yes! Utterly and completely reckless, I am. Do it anyway. You will be fine, I promise. You might not have a photo that comes to you and seals the deal like I did, and your child will not have your eyes or your nose or your freckles, but you will fall in love.
You will memorize your child’s face and love its differences, you will kiss cheeks that are lighter or darker than your own, you will watch your child develop skills you never had. You will fall in love with all of it – every single, different piece. Then, one day, your kid will say, “Mom, I am seriously going to lose my mind,” and you will say Ahhhh, there I am. So much of you is me, after all.
It is the ultimate love story.
Adoption is different, but it is not less. It is so NOT less. I don’t want to piss off bio-moms (because you’re all definitely great, too), but it might actually be more. Adoption is proof that love can grow anywhere, that there are real-life happy endings, and that none of us are really strangers.
There is no such thing as other people’s children.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Becca, many thanks for this real life adoption love story. The fact you shared you did not love him at first is helpful to many, as many mothers and fathers should not be disheartened by not having love at first. Thanks for giving of yourself and family inviting this little person in need into your fold. Happy Mother’s Day. Keith
Keith, don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite commenter 😉
Becca, you are more than kind. By the way I love the picture of you two at the top of the stairs with big smiles. Plus, I love your torn jeans. I wear mine far too long, but they are so comfy. Best wishes on your Mother’s Day, Keith
Becca, many thanks for this real life adoption love story. The fact you shared you did not love him at first is helpful to many, as many mothers and fathers should not be disheartened by not having love at first. Thanks for giving of yourself and family inviting this little person in need into your fold. Happy Mother’s Day. Keith
Keith, don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite commenter 😉
Becca, you are more than kind. By the way I love the picture of you two at the top of the stairs with big smiles. Plus, I love your torn jeans. I wear mine far too long, but they are so comfy. Best wishes on your Mother’s Day, Keith
Have I told you that everything you write is amazing? It is, but this, this is just wonderful, I love hearing about how you got to be the amazing mom you are now. I love how you make me laugh and cry at the same time. Most of all I love that you make me think. Thank you for writing this.
Have I told you that everything you write is amazing? It is, but this, this is just wonderful, I love hearing about how you got to be the amazing mom you are now. I love how you make me laugh and cry at the same time. Most of all I love that you make me think. Thank you for writing this.
A Mother’s love!! This is the real deal. Happy Mother’s Day Becca!!
A Mother’s love!! This is the real deal. Happy Mother’s Day Becca!!
Oh Becca. I love this so much. I had these very same anxieties when I was pregnant. I laid in bed feeling him kick thinking, what if I don’t love him? What if this is mistake? But I couldn’t voice any of those things, because, well, pregnancy is such a “gift” and I was so lucky to be having a baby. I get it. But I hated being pregnant and felt certain I had ruined my life. And when he arrived, I did not get all the heart eyes and swoony. I fought postpartum depression and he was an interloper and a barnacle. And then, one day, about six weeks in, I fell. Hard. All in. And I’ve never looked back. This post made my day–thank you for giving voice to what so many of us felt but never articulated. Plus, that photo of the two of you is magic.
Oh Becca. I love this so much. I had these very same anxieties when I was pregnant. I laid in bed feeling him kick thinking, what if I don’t love him? What if this is mistake? But I couldn’t voice any of those things, because, well, pregnancy is such a “gift” and I was so lucky to be having a baby. I get it. But I hated being pregnant and felt certain I had ruined my life. And when he arrived, I did not get all the heart eyes and swoony. I fought postpartum depression and he was an interloper and a barnacle. And then, one day, about six weeks in, I fell. Hard. All in. And I’ve never looked back. This post made my day–thank you for giving voice to what so many of us felt but never articulated. Plus, that photo of the two of you is magic.
Thank you for sharing this <3 My husband & I needed to hear some of those things about adoption.
Thank you for sharing this <3 My husband & I needed to hear some of those things about adoption.
Love this girl!
Love this girl!
OMG I love love love this so much. Beautifully put! I was adopted and now my mom is in poor health and it’s my time to step up to the plate and return the love shown to me. Thank you thank you thank you