I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
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I see these lists all the time. WHAT NOT TO SAY…to an Adoptive Parent, to an Autism Mom, to Kids with Scars, to People Wearing Blue Shirts. (Are you a smurf? I kid, I kid, but I kinda sorta feel we’re one HuffPost piece away from this.)
I have a Chinese adopted son. He was born with a cleft lip and palate, is autistic with some side dish diagnoses that mean “your kid might double as a tornado.” He can be a, uhhh, noticeable child, and we sometimes get questions.
I decided to write my own “What Not to Say” list. Here it is:
1.
2.
3.
What the what?! Cray to the cray! There is no list.
In this arena of adoptive / special needs parenting, we spend a lot of time discussing the trifecta of awareness, education and acceptance. These are solid goals, y’all. But tough goals to achieve if we answer every question posed to us with “OMG HOW DARE YOU.” Be aware! Educate! Accept our kids! But if you ask us a question that might help you understand our lives, we will march with torches around our online backyards and burn you to the facebook stake.
The “What Not to Say” lists generate fear. Fear of offending, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of having genuine kindness and curiosity misinterpreted as cruelty. Fear does not breed acceptance, fear breeds silence. Fear slams the door to communication, and leaves our kids on the side of lonely.
No, thank you. I am throwing out the What Not to Say lists. Adios lists.
If someone sees my son and is interested enough, compassionate enough, human enough to want to learn more? Yes, please. Because this is how we educate.
Let’s start a movement. The “As Long as Your Intentions Are Kind, I Will Not Be Offended, and I Will Be Honest With You” Movement. (Ok, so maybe it could have a catchier name. We can work on that.) Our movement will look a lot like what we’re all teaching our kids: Be nice. Respect other people. Tell the truth. Look for the good.
No one has ever accused me of being a Pollyanna, that’s a fact, but don’t you think this could work? It could be this simple, right? I’m going to give it a go. You’re invited.
Sincerely,
Becca
Amen, sister! I wrote a similar FB post the other day. I feel similarly with the whole happy holidays issue. As long as someone’s not saying eff you and your crazy self, then I’ll take it! Sheesh. Xoxoxo
Right? When people are interested in learning, we shouldn’t kick them in the mouth. #justsaying
Seriously!! You rock!!! From the outside of all sorts of things I always wonder if my curiosity will come off as nosey, annoying or rude. I love that I can just ask you anything 🙂 I’d hate to ever offend or hurt anyone especially when it’s a subject I don’t know much about. You continue to educate and entertain me with your posts my friend! Thank you & C-fu!!! <3
We can discuss it all at our next Chandler Cultural Event!
I totally agree. I want to ask questions, but then don’t because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. And my daughter has autism so I don’t mind good intentions to ask about her or autism.
Best post in a long time!!
I love this! Fantastic post!
spot on for me. I have an adopted daughter from Russia with ADHD cause her birth mom drank in excess and a biological son with autism. Ask me anything. I’ll talk your leg off. I love your blog. I’ve found many and yours is one I enjoy a lot. by the way, I blog too. http://quirks-and-chaos.blogspot.com/2014/03/speaking-tates-language.html
Thank you! Me too – people ask me a question and then likely want me to shut up. I can’t figure out how to follow blog spots – must work on this.