I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
My son, Jax, spent last Friday night at his dad’s house. On Saturday morning, I waited for my ex-husband’s big, white, cowboy of a truck, and opened my front door to greet my son as the truck pulled into my driveway. It was February 13th, the day before Valentine’s Day, and even from my place leaning against the open front door, I could see Jax’s excitement. His messy-haired head was bouncing up and down in the back seat and he jumped out of the truck the instant it stopped.
Jax had a box in his hands. It was covered in silver glitter and red and pink felt hearts, and he held it close to his chest, protecting it, as he ran to me with a huge smile. He straightened his arms, still holding the box in both of his hands, and presented the gift before me. It was an inexpensive cardboard box, but I could tell he was handing me his whole and entire heart.
This kid loves Valentine’s Day. He loves to love.
I’m proud of this, and I’ve taken the bulk of the credit for it. When he came home from China without the ability to speak and without any English, I taught him the sign for I Love You right off the bat. Over the years, I have made up silly little songs about a crazy mom who loves a crazy little boy, read heartfelt stories aloud to him, and created comforting spoken rituals. I have blanketed him every step of the way with love words, and now, Jax can verbally express his love with meaning and ease.
My ex-husband, on the other hand, is a quiet man, a private man. He does not fill his space with words, and because of this, I have taken credit for my son’s ability to express his heart.
But Jax stood before me presenting his gift in his outstretched arms and he didn’t say a word. The love was palpable, I physically felt it, but it was silent.
I didn’t teach him this.
The glittery silver box had three bars of lavender soap in it. I love soap, it’s a thing. Jax told me that he and his dad were getting new shoes at the mall and on their way out of the Vans store, Jax saw a store across the way with soap in the window.
I wasn’t there, but I can picture it. “Dad! Let’s get Mom some soap for Valentine’s Day!”
In other words, in grown-up words, “Dad, on this Valentine’s Day, a day that reminds you of a failed marriage and broken promises and words that can’t be taken back, on this day, can you please buy a gift for your ex-wife? Can you take me into a real-life reminder of the happy couple you used to be, surrounded by the memories of what you both swore to do, but didn’t? Please, Dad?”
He could have said no. He could have said let’s make your mom a card, let’s do something that is more comfortable for me and requires less of my involvement. Instead, in his Wranglers, button-down shirt and Stetson, he took his son by the hand, and without wasting any words, walked into a perfumed and feminine frenzy of over-the-top sentiments about love, and helped his son pick out a Valentine’s present for the woman he used to be married to.
Life lessons come at strange times. This one came on Valentine’s Day, a year after my divorce, and packaged with three bars of soap. It came quietly and without any words.
I, alone, did not teach my son to love. I only did it louder.
Your posts are amazing. So touching.
Warmest regards,
Jill Fredenberg Chief Operating Officer http://www.gawleyplasticsurgery.com http://www.mdskinlounge.com http://www.scottsdaleoutpatient.com Jill@GawleyPlasticSurgery.com C 6024218244
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This was wonderful! I love reading your posts! Thank you for sharing your life lessons with strangers like me. You inspire! God bless!
Becca, thank you for sharing this touching story so close to home. Keith
I am so deeply touched by the heart and generosity of this posting. Your little Jax is clearly surrounded by love in all its shapes and sizes … and … with a depth that defies words. Thank you for your beautiful sharing … Karen
Beautiful! You both allow all that love to flow and light up your child.
That’s beautiful – you’re raising a wonderful man to be
The beautiful and surprising way we love…this is a gorgeous display of humility, one where the Real Divine was displayed instead of some expectation (often disappointment) and display of love’s rules. I am so happy, for the three of you, that this moment took place despite the odds.
I can relate to your story. Thank you for sharing.
One of the sweetest things I think I have ever read.
Oh my goodness!!! I love everything about this post! I can imagine his excitement and I can see J in his cowboy outfit and truck! This is so sweet and so big!!!!
Oh my goodness!!! I love everything about this post! I can imagine his excitement and I can see J in his cowboy outfit and truck! This is so sweet and so big!!!!
Aww! Your words are so powerful! 🙂 Lots of love and blessings to your son Jax! 🙂
Aww! Your words are so powerful! 🙂 Lots of love and blessings to your son Jax! 🙂