I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
Just a few days ago, Kelli Stapleton tried to kill herself and her 14 year-old autistic daughter, Issy. Kelli drove the family van to a desolate area near Lake Michigan, rolled up the windows, and lit two charcoal grills. Mother and daughter were found unconscious from carbon monoxide poisoning, but they were alive. Issy is currently recovering in a hospital, and her mom is being held without bail in a northern Michigan jail.
I have read the newspaper articles, watched the video of Issy in a violent tantrum, and read Kelli’s blog. And I understand Kelli Stapleton. I bet most moms of autistic kids are right there with me.
I am not condoning, nor am I defending what Kelli Stapleton did. But I sure as hell am understanding. And what I understand, what I know, is that being unable to help your kid is enough to drive you crazy.
Let me repeat that because I am not being figurative. BEING UNABLE TO HELP YOUR KID IS ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY. Honest to goodness crazy. Not “Boy, I could use a glass of wine and a xanax” crazy, but “Lord help me, I am out of options, and my kid is a ticking time bomb who is Not Going To Make It” crazy.
Here is what I know about Kelli Stapleton without reading a single newspaper article:
– There are organizations in every state that provide services and therapies that can dramatically help the majority of autistic children. But these organizations don’t take most insurance policies, and are prohibitively expensive. If you are able to afford the treatment, good for you, but [sad face], the waiting list extends for years. Do you know what it is like to have the only hope, the saving grace, for your child right down the street, but they won’t help you? Ask me, I’ll tell you. It’s brutal.
– Issy could not control her emotions and had violent tantrums. Issy is smart, and has some crazy-ass talents, I bet, but her erratic behavior kept her out of school, kept her from playdates and out of most social settings. Issy and her mom were completely isolated. Kelli had few friends (because bringing along your autistic hair-pulling daughter is sort of a downer, right?), her marriage was strained (again, I don’t have to read this in an article), and her other kids were suffering. Kelli Stapleton’s home was a war zone.
– Kelli lost sleep, nights and nights of sleep, consumed with worry. “What will happen to Issy when I’m gone? She has no one. Who will take care of her? How will she live? Will she end up in an institution? Jail?” When you have an autistic child, you know you’ve likely signed on for way more than 18 years + 4 for college. And that thought doesn’t bother you at all. It’s the what-happens-when-I’m-dead question that will do you in.
I have an autistic son. He has been on a waiting list for ABA therapy (google it) for over two years. My family of three pays about $30,000 a year in insurance premiums because autism is covered, and our out-of-pocket medical expenses are still enough to buy a car. A nice car. My son has been accepted, then rejected, from schools, summer camps and extracurricular programs. Our pediatrician’s office unilaterally decided to stop seeing autistic kids, and there are about zero child psychologists / therapists who will treat a child with autism. On a good day, my son repeats himself, hits only one kid at school and loses his temper 3-4 times. On a bad day … well, on a bad day, I almost go crazy because I am unable to help my kid.
Kelli Stapleton’s issues and concerns for Issy make mine look like a hang nail. She had one too many heartaches that day, one too many rejections, one too many failures. And she lost it. I think Kelli Stapleton said, “Issy girl, let’s go. No more pain and no more tantrums. You’ll be rid of this body and this brain, and you’ll be free. It’s going to be better, and wherever we end up, I’ll be right there with you holding your hand. I love you.”
And Kelli drove off in her van, lit the grills, and held the child she was unable to help until they fell asleep.
I am not condoning, nor am I defending. But Kelli Stapleton, I understand.
My heart aches for everyone involved. I had not heard about this yet. It’s an important story to tell and your perspective is so spot on it hurts. Thanks for having the guts to write this. Now lets take on that pediatricians office!
They’re next on my list. You’re the first person I’ll call. #DontMessWithUs
-becca
My heart aches for everyone involved. I had not heard about this yet. It’s an important story to tell and your perspective is so spot on it hurts. Thanks for having the guts to write this. Now lets take on that pediatricians office!
They’re next on my list. You’re the first person I’ll call. #DontMessWithUs
-becca
I am in tears. Such an important message.
My intent was to make you cry. #Success
I am in tears. Such an important message.
My intent was to make you cry. #Success
Becca–thank you for this. I didn’t really realize what you were going through and I admire your compassion.
Gracias, mi amiga. I know what’s likely ahead for this mother, and felt compelled to say a little something.
I love you, Becca. Thanks for saying the things we are not “supposed” to say/feel. It’s liberating and of incredible support to me. Come down to my neck of the woods. Almost 15-20% of the patients at our pediatrician’s office are on the spectrum. Our doc has 6 kids and one with Asperger’s
Monica, that means the world to me. But you know I don’t leave the 7-mile radius around my house 😉
I love you, Becca. Thanks for saying the things we are not “supposed” to say/feel. It’s liberating and of incredible support to me. Come down to my neck of the woods. Almost 15-20% of the patients at our pediatrician’s office are on the spectrum. Our doc has 6 kids and one with Asperger’s
Monica, that means the world to me. But you know I don’t leave the 7-mile radius around my house 😉
You are my hero. Anyone who says otherwise can suck it! Hugs girlie!
“I Effing Love You.”
You are my hero. Anyone who says otherwise can suck it! Hugs girlie!
“I Effing Love You.”
Well said and written my friend. Let’s lunch or hh soon – w/i 7 miles of course!!
Luckily, you live in the “bubble.” Would LOVE to lunch. Will email!
Well said and written my friend. Let’s lunch or hh soon – w/i 7 miles of course!!
Luckily, you live in the “bubble.” Would LOVE to lunch. Will email!
Wow. Word fail me. Thanks for the eye opening piece.
Thank YOU, Mr. Baber (of twitter fame).
Are you aware of a bill that is being considered that will add research $ to Autism as part of the bill? HR 2019. If not, check it out.
Wow. Word fail me. Thanks for the eye opening piece.
Thank YOU, Mr. Baber (of twitter fame).
Dear Mr. Masterson, …..Jk, Jk 🙂 I am trying to get this bill passed. It will provide funds for research on several pediatric diseases(particularly for autism) including cancer. This is a no brainer since the money is practically sitting there, FYA, Dems don’t seem to want to lose the credit for the presidential election fund, even though no one uses it. You can find out more about it from Ice Cube Tray’s twin cousin’s blog at:
http://4sqclobberscancer.com/on-capital-hill/hr2019/ If you like the idea, see if you can get some folks to write their CongressMAN (You don’t have any women representatives yet, right?) and maybe it may help down the road.
On this. Will read it tonight. If only we could get some MEN to listen…while gals like me play quietly in the kitchen 😉
Gregg Harper, Rep. MS introduced the bill. He has a child with Fragile X. Here is an article on it:
http://energycommerce.house.gov/press-release/during-world-autism-awareness-month-upton-welcomes-energy-and-commerce-committee
Dear Mr. Masterson, …..Jk, Jk 🙂 I am trying to get this bill passed. It will provide funds for research on several pediatric diseases(particularly for autism) including cancer. This is a no brainer since the money is practically sitting there, FYA, Dems don’t seem to want to lose the credit for the presidential election fund, even though no one uses it. You can find out more about it from Ice Cube Tray’s twin cousin’s blog at:
http://4sqclobberscancer.com/on-capital-hill/hr2019/ If you like the idea, see if you can get some folks to write their CongressMAN (You don’t have any women representatives yet, right?) and maybe it may help down the road.
On this. Will read it tonight. If only we could get some MEN to listen…while gals like me play quietly in the kitchen 😉
Gregg Harper, Rep. MS introduced the bill. He has a child with Fragile X. Here is an article on it:
http://energycommerce.house.gov/press-release/during-world-autism-awareness-month-upton-welcomes-energy-and-commerce-committee
Just found your blog. I totally agree about all of this with Kelli. She’s a cyber friend of mine. I couldn’t believe it, but I UNDERSTOOD. So good to know others do as well.
Just found your blog. I totally agree about all of this with Kelli. She’s a cyber friend of mine. I couldn’t believe it, but I UNDERSTOOD. So good to know others do as well.
I found your blog via goteamkate. I think one of the hardest parts of having a special needs child is the isolation. My Allison has struggled with aggression and we often choose not to socialize with families with small children because of her obsession with babies and propensity to love til it hurts. It can be lonely when you miss out on play dates and it is exhausting when you don’t have back up. I hear you and I get it too. Kelli and lots of other parents need help and love. Don’t we all!
Kelly, my son has an issue with babies too -and that’s a tough one b/c people really struggle to understand that. When your anxiety level is so high because of what your kid might or might not do, play dates just aren’t that fun. You’re right – you stay home. I don’t know Kelli S, but I read every article I could find. I absolutely feel for her.
I found your blog via goteamkate. I think one of the hardest parts of having a special needs child is the isolation. My Allison has struggled with aggression and we often choose not to socialize with families with small children because of her obsession with babies and propensity to love til it hurts. It can be lonely when you miss out on play dates and it is exhausting when you don’t have back up. I hear you and I get it too. Kelli and lots of other parents need help and love. Don’t we all!
Kelly, my son has an issue with babies too -and that’s a tough one b/c people really struggle to understand that. When your anxiety level is so high because of what your kid might or might not do, play dates just aren’t that fun. You’re right – you stay home. I don’t know Kelli S, but I read every article I could find. I absolutely feel for her.
I understand. Completely.
I understand. Completely.
This made me physically sick. This is condoning her sick behaviour. As an autistic adult who behaviour would have been been the same uf I hadn’t had my amazing family and they had not rescued me from torture (ABA therapy is cruel and does us damage bot good, its false positive results are only because we are so scared of you we have to obey) as issys. Issys behavioural problems are now gone now her abusive mother is locked up. Btw I am a university educated adult who holds down a relationship and a job, which I got to through CBT, drama, art therapy and being around the few parents who respect not touture their autistic kids. I am still in therapy and on medication for the damage aba did to me , before my family stoped it. I will be for the rest of my life
This made me physically sick. This is condoning her sick behaviour. As an autistic adult who behaviour would have been been the same uf I hadn’t had my amazing family and they had not rescued me from torture (ABA therapy is cruel and does us damage bot good, its false positive results are only because we are so scared of you we have to obey) as issys. Issys behavioural problems are now gone now her abusive mother is locked up. Btw I am a university educated adult who holds down a relationship and a job, which I got to through CBT, drama, art therapy and being around the few parents who respect not touture their autistic kids. I am still in therapy and on medication for the damage aba did to me , before my family stoped it. I will be for the rest of my life