I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
I had a few hours of free time on Sunday, and because I lead a very sexy life, I used the time to clean out my pantry. It’s a little room off my kitchen that has, over the last six years since my son came home, transitioned from a cute, chandeliered office/pantry to an enter-at-your-own-risk-I-can’t-be-responsible-for-what-falls-on-your-head room. It was time.
Photos, party supplies, glue guns, three coffee makers, expired cupcake mix – I sorted and filed and moved and tossed. I was on the last shelf, and yanked down a big, big box marked “ice cream social.” Huh? Two things: one, why do I have a huge box marked ice cream social? And two, I do not even remember being the person who had time to appropriately label stuff in my pantry.
I opened the box, and inside was everything you need for the coolest kid party ever. There was a shake maker, snow-cone machine, cotton candy spinner, and a cake pop baker. Long-handled spoons, ice cream bowls and a bright table cloth with ice cream cones printed on it. At the bottom of this box, the cherry on this surprise sundae, was a lime green pedestal that held six small bowls for ice cream toppings. Sitting in the middle of the spinning pedestal was a ceramic cupcake with a removable lid for hot fudge or caramel or strawberry sauce. It was summer and Pinterest and laughing children in one, clever serving piece. It was darling.
I wanted to throw the darling cupcake as hard as I could against the wall.
Instead, I sat down next to the box called “ice cream social” and cried.
I remember this stuff. I bid on it at a silent auction years ago, back when ice cream socials and impromptu play dates and birthday parties had starring roles in my parenting plan. Back before I knew that my son’s meltdowns were not a phase and back when I thought he played by himself because he was shy. Back before I had any idea that I would not be a soccer mom, but a special needs mom.
What I have here is a box full of plans for a kid that I don’t have. Some days, like today, it makes me sad.
I was crying for my son, but I’ll admit I was also crying for me. Instead of six different ice cream toppings always on hand for my son’s friends, I have an endless supply of pens for his therapists. Instead of being the house that everyone comes to, we are the people that are never home. Instead of bike rides, we have speech therapy, instead of swim parties, we go to OT.
Do I begrudge this? Not ever. But is this what I planned? No. Every once in a while, not very often, but every once in a while, I give myself permission to grieve for the life I don’t have, to think about the mom I don’t get to be.
I wrapped up the cupcake and put it back in the box. One day. Maybe. In the meantime, the sweetest boy in the world was on his way home. As moms go, I think I’m doing okay. Ice cream socials are fun, but my son needs a mom with a backbone, some fight and a strong voice. I’ve got that.
But just so you know, I would have made an awesome soccer mom.
Sincerely,
Becca
You DID make an awesome soccer mom. Jax was the cutest soccer player EVER. Also, ice cream socials are overrated. NT kids all hopped up on sugar and not being monitored, they’d have long ago ripped down your cute chandelier. 😉 you know I adore you. This is awesome. I’m glad you shared. Xoxoxo
You DID make an awesome soccer mom. Jax was the cutest soccer player EVER. Also, ice cream socials are overrated. NT kids all hopped up on sugar and not being monitored, they’d have long ago ripped down your cute chandelier. 😉 you know I adore you. This is awesome. I’m glad you shared. Xoxoxo
I have a son, 27, with autism and seizures and it is a daily walk. I sometimes dream of what if’s, what if he had been normal, gone to college, married. But God somehow reminds me, that’s not what He wanted for my son. He would change lives all right, in his own way. I see it daily. My son has taught me to be patient, have empathy for things I never knew, and be happy in the midst of life’s storms.
Thanks for the post and best wishes!
I have a son, 27, with autism and seizures and it is a daily walk. I sometimes dream of what if’s, what if he had been normal, gone to college, married. But God somehow reminds me, that’s not what He wanted for my son. He would change lives all right, in his own way. I see it daily. My son has taught me to be patient, have empathy for things I never knew, and be happy in the midst of life’s storms.
Thanks for the post and best wishes!
This is one of your best posts yet, Rebecca. It’s honest, heartfelt, heartbreaking and beautiful. Although life gave you a path you didn’t expect, you are embracing it fully. You are an inspiration and ice cream socials are over-rated anyway.
This is one of your best posts yet, Rebecca. It’s honest, heartfelt, heartbreaking and beautiful. Although life gave you a path you didn’t expect, you are embracing it fully. You are an inspiration and ice cream socials are over-rated anyway.
Tears. But just so you know, you are an AWESOME mom regardless. And, may I suggest that Jax invite “his girls” over for an ice cream party. Kahlua and Baileys might have to make the toppings list. . . Hugs.
Tears. But just so you know, you are an AWESOME mom regardless. And, may I suggest that Jax invite “his girls” over for an ice cream party. Kahlua and Baileys might have to make the toppings list. . . Hugs.
Love this. And it’s totally ok to have those moments. Keep on keeping on, mama! xo
Love this. And it’s totally ok to have those moments. Keep on keeping on, mama! xo
Becca., I love you.
Becca., I love you.
Hi Becca,
Not sure how your post got to my facebook page, but I read your whole post, and I wanted you to know that I think you of “you” often, and that the parents of special needs children and adults, are the some of the strongest and bravest people I have ever met.
You are a main reason that my wife and I started a therapeutic riding center in Wisconsin called LifeStriders, which provides horseback therapies and other services for children, their families, and adults with special needs. We see over 150 parents(and participants) a week and hope that our center, sponsors, and volunteers give you parents a chance to cheer, to rest, to laugh, and to learn while your child gets to enjoy riding aboard our horses and getting supportive therapy for their special need.
Your story just reminded me this morning, again, of the extraordinary challenges that you face with a special needs child, and the sacrifices you make every day for your loved one. It humbled me, and we continue to work on behalf of parents like you. It takes a village to raise a child with a special need, and we continue to try and do our part.
Best.
– Rob
Hi Becca,
Not sure how your post got to my facebook page, but I read your whole post, and I wanted you to know that I think you of “you” often, and that the parents of special needs children and adults, are the some of the strongest and bravest people I have ever met.
You are a main reason that my wife and I started a therapeutic riding center in Wisconsin called LifeStriders, which provides horseback therapies and other services for children, their families, and adults with special needs. We see over 150 parents(and participants) a week and hope that our center, sponsors, and volunteers give you parents a chance to cheer, to rest, to laugh, and to learn while your child gets to enjoy riding aboard our horses and getting supportive therapy for their special need.
Your story just reminded me this morning, again, of the extraordinary challenges that you face with a special needs child, and the sacrifices you make every day for your loved one. It humbled me, and we continue to work on behalf of parents like you. It takes a village to raise a child with a special need, and we continue to try and do our part.
Best.
– Rob
You need to tell me when you write gold like this! Am I supposed to scour FB looking for genius like this? You know I am too busy with my marathon running and ‘from scratch’ pasta making. It’s time for you to get paid for writing.
You need to tell me when you write gold like this! Am I supposed to scour FB looking for genius like this? You know I am too busy with my marathon running and ‘from scratch’ pasta making. It’s time for you to get paid for writing.
“Back before I knew that my son’s meltdowns were not a phase and back when I thought he played by himself because he was shy. Back before I had any idea that I would not be a soccer mom, but a special needs mom.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks today. Thanks for your honesty! Our family is just starting all the assessments and therapy. We are still learning to cope and accept our new normal and a future that looks completely different than we once (so shortly ago) thought it would.
“Back before I knew that my son’s meltdowns were not a phase and back when I thought he played by himself because he was shy. Back before I had any idea that I would not be a soccer mom, but a special needs mom.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks today. Thanks for your honesty! Our family is just starting all the assessments and therapy. We are still learning to cope and accept our new normal and a future that looks completely different than we once (so shortly ago) thought it would.
I find myself crying for the same reason. I did not choose this autism life. heck, I didn’t even choose the triplet life. But that’s what we have. Recently I had a crying fit because during my son’s meltdown where he wasn’t listening I pulled our dining room window down too quickly and I cracked it (he wouldn’t stop pressing on the screen). It was then I cried out why? Why me? And I heard clear as day, as if someone whispered in my ear, ‘I did not give you this child for you to change this child. I gave you this child to change you.’ And boy has he!! I think you’re doing an awesome job and know you are not alone. Thanks so much for sharing this post. You have a new follower.
I find myself crying for the same reason. I did not choose this autism life. heck, I didn’t even choose the triplet life. But that’s what we have. Recently I had a crying fit because during my son’s meltdown where he wasn’t listening I pulled our dining room window down too quickly and I cracked it (he wouldn’t stop pressing on the screen). It was then I cried out why? Why me? And I heard clear as day, as if someone whispered in my ear, ‘I did not give you this child for you to change this child. I gave you this child to change you.’ And boy has he!! I think you’re doing an awesome job and know you are not alone. Thanks so much for sharing this post. You have a new follower.