I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
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Dear eHarmony,
Well, hello! It’s nice to meet you. I thought I’d reach out because it’s rare for someone to go to such great lengths to meet me. Since my divorce, some are having a hard time knowing what to say, but not you, eHarmony. You’re in my newsfeed, Gmail account and sidebar ads, waving your online arms, saying “Hey Becca! Over here! Check out online dating! Join us!” You are apparently extremely confident in my date-ability so I thought I’d check in and get your advice.
Let’s not discuss the actual dating part because I put on mascara this morning and a panic attack would ruin this herculean effort. Let’s just chat about this profile you want me to create.
Here’s my question, eHarm – how much of my truth should I throw out there? Should I be a little generic and side-step a a few important details? Adopt a “put your best, most appealing foot forward, and leave the rest of the varicose-veined leg for later” philosophy? A Watered-Down Becca profile?
Or should I throw it all on the table and own my humanness like a boss. Let these manly candidates get a look at my baggage and decide if they have any interest in being in the same room with it. No auto-tuning, no smoothing out the sharp edges, just Becca Unplugged.
I wrote both, eHarmony. What do ya think?
***
Watered-Down Becca: Hi.
Becca Unplugged: To the Complete Strangers Reading and Judging My Profile Who I Will Most Likely Never Meet, here’s what you should know. I think.
I’m a self-employed professional.
I work for myself because I like to work at 2am, or from my kitchen, or while singing Uptown Funk. I have a house with furniture that is not inflatable. It would be great if you, random dating candidate, did not sleep on a futon. Real silverware is a definite plus.
I’m amicably divorced.
I see my ex a lot. My therapist thinks is fan-ta-stic.
I’m 41 and pretty okay with it.
I mostly like being in my 40’s. Turning 40 gives you the power to say I Don’t Care and actually mean it. That’s a good thing. The downside is that my face seems to be melting as I age so I would really like to meet in a place with generously dim lighting. Or a movie. Movies are awesome.
I have an eight year old son.
I adopted a Chinese tornado who is on the autism spectrum. If you are a guy who thinks it’s funny to pretend to be Rain Man on our date, I will be the girl who pretends to have food poisoning and leave you with the check after I order twelve lobster entrees on my way out. If you do meet my son, don’t be offended when he asks if you are pregnant or if you flew a B-29 in World War II.
I like to write.
Like every other middle-aged mother, I have a blog. This means I will be writing an article about our meet and greet in my head as we chat over coffee in that generously dim lighting. If Huffington Post runs my piece, I will change your name to Bert if you wore loafers and no socks, and to Sergio if you wore Ed Hardy or jeans with bling on the back pockets.
Dancing is fun.
If we hear music somewhere, and you happen to be the kind of guy who doesn’t have to be begged to dance, and bonus, you don’t care what you look like on the dance floor, I will give you rock-hard abs when I blog about our date.
I like honesty, over-sized sweatshirts, spicy salsa and Netflix.
Do you know what “back fat” is? This is a requirement. It will be a potential boyfriend’s job to tell me if it’s there so I can grab a cardigan. Or a Xanax.
I had a mastectomy. You should know this now because “I’m really cold” won’t work forever as an explanation as to why I wear a sweatshirt when we make out.
If you are expecting me to eat half the Chipotle bowl and save the rest for later, you will either be super impressed with me or super disgusted.
If you don’t like House of Cards, I just don’t think this will work.
What do you say, eHarmony, which profile is the winner? Just wave me down in my newsfeed and let me know. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Becca
Brilliant, on so many levels?
Brilliant, on so many levels?
Snort.
This made my day.
Snort.
This made my day.
You are hilarious! This was awesome!!
You are hilarious! This was awesome!!
You have back fat??? Sorry hun, but that’s a deal breaker!!
Sergio
Kiss my chubby ass, Sergio. #wink
You have back fat??? Sorry hun, but that’s a deal breaker!!
Sergio
Kiss my chubby ass, Sergio. #wink
Well done. The majority of people cannot live up to the expectations set by their Facebook persona. The significant majority cannot come close to their match.com or eharmony.com ones. I think if I had to look again, I would follow your path forward starting out with “if you are looking for the near perfect man, you can stop reading now.” I think asking a man about silverware ownership is excellent. Make sure it is not owned by his mother. :>)
Well done. The majority of people cannot live up to the expectations set by their Facebook persona. The significant majority cannot come close to their match.com or eharmony.com ones. I think if I had to look again, I would follow your path forward starting out with “if you are looking for the near perfect man, you can stop reading now.” I think asking a man about silverware ownership is excellent. Make sure it is not owned by his mother. :>)
Love love love it! Sincerely, from a woman who was very clear, honest and open about myself and what is was (and especially wasn’t) looking for when it came to online dating. I was post separation, pushing 40, kiddos in tow, ‘excess curves’ and I used a current pic – unlike half the guys who were old enough to be my dad but used pics that were 20+ years old. It became a game for me to see how “over” honest I could be in my profile and still have a full inbox. Happy to say I found my Prince Charming after wading through truck loads of duds…. And 5 years later we are happily ensconced in domestic bliss (and he will always tell me if I have back fat or a VPL or spinach in my teeth)
Love love love it! Sincerely, from a woman who was very clear, honest and open about myself and what is was (and especially wasn’t) looking for when it came to online dating. I was post separation, pushing 40, kiddos in tow, ‘excess curves’ and I used a current pic – unlike half the guys who were old enough to be my dad but used pics that were 20+ years old. It became a game for me to see how “over” honest I could be in my profile and still have a full inbox. Happy to say I found my Prince Charming after wading through truck loads of duds…. And 5 years later we are happily ensconced in domestic bliss (and he will always tell me if I have back fat or a VPL or spinach in my teeth)
OMG— This is the absolute best thing I’ve read all day! With your permission I’d like to repost this -in its entirety—
OMG— This is the absolute best thing I’ve read all day! With your permission I’d like to repost this -in its entirety—
Amazing! So funny. Internet dating is a minefield !
Amazing! So funny. Internet dating is a minefield !
Haha I love it, Becca. Well done. 🙂 If you haven’t heard of it before, you should check out PhotoFeeler.com. Would love to see your “watered down” profile photo vs. the “unplugged” one!!
Haha I love it, Becca. Well done. 🙂 If you haven’t heard of it before, you should check out PhotoFeeler.com. Would love to see your “watered down” profile photo vs. the “unplugged” one!!
love it ha ha ha
love it ha ha ha
Best post ever. Pop that baby up there! Your inbox will be inundated and you won’t even have to ask the dudes if they have a sense of humor.
Best post ever. Pop that baby up there! Your inbox will be inundated and you won’t even have to ask the dudes if they have a sense of humor.
Fantastic!! I have just avoided online dating (truth: all dating) in the belief that my self esteem would not be up to the battering that app-wielding Londoners would inflict. Maybe one day I could be up to a Hannah Unplugged!
Fantastic!! I have just avoided online dating (truth: all dating) in the belief that my self esteem would not be up to the battering that app-wielding Londoners would inflict. Maybe one day I could be up to a Hannah Unplugged!
This is so witty and funny. It was all good, but I especially feel you on the Chipotle bowl comment…also the sweatshirt wearing while making out part made me LOL. Great writing
This is so witty and funny. It was all good, but I especially feel you on the Chipotle bowl comment…also the sweatshirt wearing while making out part made me LOL. Great writing