I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
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When did you realize your kid was defined by his disability?
For some of you, maybe it has always been that way. Maybe a wheelchair or an inability to speak has always put what your child can’t do before what he can do. Maybe it was the IEP at school or the extra-curricular activities that aren’t an option.
I realized this today. At 4:13 a.m.
I couldn’t sleep, got out of bed, and because what else do you do at 4am, started cleaning my kitchen. Jax’s backpack had been hanging on a barstool since Friday, and I unzipped it to clean out last week’s paperwork in preparation for the final week of school.
Hoorah! His yearbook was in there! I was so excited about this yearbook. We ordered it at the school’s Fall Carnival months and months ago. We must have been one of the first ten orders. This year, 1st grade, Jax was mainstreamed in a general education class for most of the day. He had an aide with him, but 85% of the time, he was in a typical class. We worked hard for this, we fought hard for this. My son has spent an entire school year talking about these classmates – who made him laugh, who taught him to jump off a swing, who likes Monster High. They learned math, they made paper earths and grew plants in cups.
Every single day, my son took his seat and participated. In this class.
This cheesy, paperback 1st grade yearbook was a symbol for me. In my head, we would look through this yearbook, flip to his class, and remember the little 1st grade faces and the teacher who wrapped him in compassion while she taught. This yearbook was to be the first in line of many school triumphs for my son. Jax clearly wasn’t social chair of his 1st grade class, he wasn’t invited to all the parties or playdates. But he was on the field. He made the game. I flipped to his class to find his school photo, with the alfalfa hair and trademark grin.
They forgot him.
Jax’s picture wasn’t with his class. I didn’t believe it – there was no way – so I checked every single picture like I was looking at a police line-up. There he is in the group snapshot featured in the lower right corner – glasses on, huge smile, right arm raised high into the air – but his school picture isn’t included on the page with his classmates.
I searched the rest of the yearbook. Jax’s school photo is, of course, with the special needs class. Jax is autistic. No matter where he spent the majority of this year, his photo is with the other kids that share this label.
Was this an oversight? I’m sure. But this is the first time I have seen my child as others must see him. This is the first time I have realized that he will be defined by his disability. Jax might be in the typical class, but by definition, he is on a completely different page. He didn’t make the game after all.
Sincerely,
Becca
Pull at my heart strings. Where e live there are no special needs classes. All children are in the general class regardless of their disabilities. I don’t know if this set up is honestly any better. In the younger grades kids are my h less aware of their disabilities, unless of course physical. As they get older though and kids start being more cruel I sort of wishe we had the special needs classroom if anything but to offer a safe haven. It’s hard to say, as a mother, yes my son is different and the world will always see it that way.
The special needs room is definitely a safe haven. Are you a small school?
No but we are in Canada and in our province they have made it mandatory for inclusion in all schools. This means no special needs classroom. Children who need EA’s will have EA’s assigned to them. Most schools do have a sensory break room or a quiet room but that is it. Otherwise all kids are schooled in the same class. My son starts school in the fall for the second time. It did not go so well the first time so we keeped him out for an additional year of ABA and then he will try again this year. We will see how it goes but I wish we had a special needs class which would allow a slower gradual transition into the school environment with smaller class sizes and more one on one. Then transition into main stream. In our case they just throw them in a class with 25 or more kids.
This is heart breaking and seems insensitive. We don’t have a special needs classroom at our school, so all friends are included with their age peers, just as they spend their days with them. I hope you will say something to the school to prevent this kind of thing from happening in the future.
Mary, I absolutely will say something. I sleep on these things to make sure I say them in the voice I want. 😉
This breaks my heart! Our current school doesn’t have a special education classroom exactly. They do have one, but they place the kids in their appropriate grades and do pull out services during the day for extra help. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this at first, until I found out that they make accommodations and teach social skills and everything else they would do in the SpEd class, in the GenEd classroom! They include ALL students so nobody is singled out for being different. They only do pull-outs when kids need extra help academically. It is so sad that our school is in the minority while the majority of schools treat our kids differently.
Im in Canada too (Ontario) and that’s definitely NOT the case here, in fact inclusion is strongly discouraged and aides are next to impossible to obtain. All the special-needs kids are put in small “diagnostic” classes and eventually to a designated autism class.
Regardless, Becca I’m sorry this happened. I can just imagine the heartbreak 🙁
Sincerely, Becca I am sincerely crying!
Noooooo!!
Damn. Okay? Just plain dam-nation.
I’ll ditto that.
As far as I am concerned, Jax did make the page. The very fact that he is where he is today is an achievement. There are so many that are left behind. May your son and family continue your journey and please remember you are never alone and nor is Jax.
Thank you. And you’re right, his progress is a tremendous achievement.
Consider volunteering for the yearbook committee next year. I write this as someone who just got voted in as the new PTA president. If it’s not happening, make it happen. 🙂
I like the way you think. Decided last night that the PTA was getting a new member this fall.
In my son’s kindergarten class yearbook, his picture was with the the rest of the kindergarten class. My son has down syndrome, so it was such a pleasure to see that he was included with all his friends. He is mainstreamed for art, gym, music, lunch and recess. The rest of his day is spent in his special education classroom. His peers love him and accept him just as he is. I pray that as he grows older, society and his peers will continue to embrace him with that same love, understanding, and acceptance. I say prayers every night that all children regardless of their abilities will have that same support. I am sorry to hear your yearbook committee chose to separate your child from his peers in the photos. Especially as I know how hard all parents of special needs children work to see their child or children gets the resources they need to be successful in life. I sense changes in next year’s yearbook by you. Good luck.