I’ve been waiting on myself to begin. I knew it was time to get back to this and I knew it was time for a shift. I shut down the old blog, bought a new name, and created a new site. A new chapter. But how to begin, Becca, how to start. The pressure. Y’all are like,...
My mom died on April 1, just a little over two weeks ago. I don’t know which cliché to use – does it feel like yesterday or years? Both, I guess. My mom was a young 74 and did all the healthy things – the exercising, the kale, the vitamins, the check-ups. I look like...
Well, it had to come. Some of you readers have been with me for a while now. You’ve read these random blogs and followed along on Facebook as Jax came home from China, was diagnosed with all the things, and proceeded to grow up into a teenage boy. He’s gone from...
So we’re homeschooling over here. It’s going really well, I’d say. We have great people, Jax’s anxiety is at an all-time low, he’s happy, he’s inquisitive, and importantly, he’s learning things that are relevant to his 14 year-old-life and skills he’ll use for his...
I have sucked as a parent lately. Truth. 'Tis the season for holiday lights and wrapping paper and for mom to be a stressed out asshole. That should be a Christmas carol. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy. My mom’s annoyed at everyone, please bring...
Dear Jax,It's Gotcha Day, little dude. We adopted you eleven years ago today. I love this day, but this year's celebration is bittersweet. Your grandmother died on Friday night. Your dad's mom, Grandma Mary. This year's Gotcha Day will be a little less inflatable...
Johnny made it to his Army base on Monday. Other moms are messaging me tips to survive boot camp, linking me to Facebook groups, introducing me to people who can show me the ropes. It's lovely, but I’m in a different sort of situation. “Hi Martha with your...
A day or two ago, Jax had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Jax has never met this man before, but I have, and I like him a lot. He regurgitates mountains of stuff from memory, has a Harvard degree, and is smart, smart, smart. All good stuff when you’re a mom...
Johnny, I've been down at the Capitol this past week fighting for a bill that would expedite the adoption of older kids. I'm pretty invested in it because you and I went through this. We had nine months to make your adoption happen, and had I not already had a giant...
And I quote: "And after fourteen years of foster care, Johnny was getting all As and Bs in school, happily helping around the house, had checking and savings accounts, and looking for his first job - all within just a few months of being adopted into a family. "...
I've spent the last few days outlining an open letter to the person who hurt Jax. A real doozy of a piece, cleverly called "Dear Person Who Hurt My Child." I was going to write and publish it this morning, throw it all out there and let the internet lovelies react to...
The adult who hurt my son will not be charged. I'm a lawyer. I get it. There are no witnesses, no physical evidence, and Jax ...well, Jax isn't the best witness. At 13, Jax still believes that Noelle the Naughty Elf stole my car keys and tried to take my...
I am a Helicopter Mom. No shame here, no self-deprecating humor, there is really no other option for this child tornado of mine. Maybe helicopter isn't the right word, I think I'm more like the car with the flashing lights that travels behind the Wide Load truck on...
I was coming out of an Ace Hardware the other day - feeling super handy, I might add - and on the way to my car, I saw a woman standing by a table raising money. It was a legit 100-gazillion degrees in Phoenix and I was entirely prepared to do the polite smile...
I was sick this week. Throwing up throughout the night, curled up in fetal position at the base of the toilet, not sure how clean the bath mat is, I do not even care, I will never eat blue cheese in a salad again, SICK. Being sick as an adult is lousy. Being sick as a...
Dear Johnny, I know this isn't where you thought you would be at age 17. Still in the foster system, a day pass on your birthday, preparing to be shuffled around again, and then again and again. I know. As a child, you must have thought ahead to 17 and pictured your...
Last week, a family asked about adopting my foster son, Johnny. A family. Adoption. This was a big deal for a sixteen year old foster kid who moved in with me last month because he had nowhere else to go and had every intention of aging out of the system as an orphan....
I had a moment recently. My son, Jax, and I had been in the car running errands for a few hours. I was singing along to the Beatles channel when Jax said, "Mom, I'm hungry." Well, yeah, breakfast was a hurried cup of yogurt three hours ago so that's reasonable....
A teenage boy is coming to live with me. Today. In eight hours, I will be an official foster parent. It's been only a few months, but I have notes upon notes about my short experience so far with this child welfare system of ours. I can't wrap my head around how we...
Last week, I was in my favorite place in the world with my 15-person family. Every few years, we head to a ranch in the mountains of Colorado. We've been going here since I was a little girl, and there is truly no place I would rather be. I told my clients I was out,...
I volunteered to go to an education meeting last week with a foster kid. This kid was in high school and not too interested in me at first. I didn't blame him, I'd never met him before and this was a child who lives in a constantly-changing world with...
It was late-September of 2008 when we brought my son home from China, just two months before December and our sparkly, over-the-top, American-style Christmas season. My little boy had no idea what Christmas was. He had no idea who Santa was. Hell,...
This time of year, man. It’s stressful and chaotic and my annual intention of providing a Pinterest-perfect Christmas lasts about a day and a half until I decide that F-bombs will definitely help me assemble the gingerbread house. Ahhh, December. This year, the...
Jax’s eighth Gotcha Day is coming up. “Gotcha Day” is the anniversary of Jax’s adoption from China. It’s the day Jax became our son, and like good adoptive parents, we celebrate. Jax gets a few presents, we decorate, we eat pizza and cake, we participate in general...
I was at a Ross the other day. I love Ross. There is one by my son's school, and on the days I don't feel like laptopping at Starbucks, I walk around in their exceptional summer air conditioning while having riveting conversations with myself about my need for their...
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I recently tried my first boot camp group exercise class on the advice of a friend. This friend (insert air quotes) told me where the class was and when to show up, but neglected to provide me with any truly useful information. I won’t let you make the same mistakes I did. Solidarity, sisters.
Here are five things you need to know before attending a boot camp class. You’re welcome.
1. Wear Dark Sunglasses. Or Find a Candlelight Boot Camp.
Because the mirrors, people, the mirrors. I have one full-length mirror in my home, and it makes me look 5’10” and lanky. The mirrors at this boot camp reminded me that capris work as full-length pants for me and that my “thigh gap” appears only if I’m standing with my feet 24 inches apart. Dark sunglasses make it all better. Added bonus, the other boot campers will probably think you’re famous. Do not tell them otherwise.
2. Really Attractive Instructors? Find Another Class.
Google the instructors. Or call ahead of time and ask pointed questions like, “Is the instructor over 95 years old? Is the instructor, by chance, covered in reptilian scales? Is the instructor blind?” If you receive a yes, then you will experience much less anxiety while planking. I have named the instructors in my class Dirk, Thor and Jennifer Garner. I am hoping the effort expended by chanting my internal mantra of “sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m funny” burned a calorie or two.
3. Consider Wearing a Plain Sweatshirt. Preferably One That Reaches Your Ankles.
I walked in wearing a tank top that said “GANGSTA” across the front in big, bold letters. It turns out that your arm flab careening back and forth with the force of a hurricane is not really all that gangsta. Stupid mirrors. Do you own a long-sleeved, dark sweatshirt dress? Good, wear that.
4. Lie.
“How many rotations did you guys do?” asked Thor, with a dry-erase marker in his hand. “10! 13! 150,000!” yelled the class. “Um, 6,” I said from the mirrorless corner. Lesson learned. Unless you enjoy wearing your laziness like a shining badge on your sweatshirt dress, boot camp is definitely not the time to stop exaggerating.
5. If it Ends in “ies,” Pretend You Are a Conscientious Objector.
Froggies. Burpies. Absurdities. Just shake your head no and take a breather. Nobody will question you. I mean, you’re wearing sunglasses, a long-sleeve dress and mumbling to yourself. You are clearly a celebrity who operates on a much deeper level than the rest of the class.
Sincerely,
Becca
Too funny, Gangsta Becca. After watching movies with drill sergeants in basic training, the best thing to be is in the silent middle. Wearing “Gangsta” might have gotten Lou Gossett, Jr.’s attention in “An Officer and a Gentleman.”
Too funny, Gangsta Becca. After watching movies with drill sergeants in basic training, the best thing to be is in the silent middle. Wearing “Gangsta” might have gotten Lou Gossett, Jr.’s attention in “An Officer and a Gentleman.”
I will go to a camp from my school next week hahah. Thanks Gangsta Becca :))
I will go to a camp from my school next week hahah. Thanks Gangsta Becca :))
Hahahahaha!! very funny! And I could picture every single scenario clearly! Just what I needed this morning to get me through my elliptical routine – in the privacy of my own home – haha – and with NO mirrors! You go girl 🙂
I might start a “no mirror” boot camp. Id be rich!
Yes – I would go to that!!
Hahahahaha!! very funny! And I could picture every single scenario clearly! Just what I needed this morning to get me through my elliptical routine – in the privacy of my own home – haha – and with NO mirrors! You go girl 🙂
I might start a “no mirror” boot camp. Id be rich!
Yes – I would go to that!!
OMG I literally lol’d.
OMG I literally lol’d.
ROTFL – its like you were there, watching me suffer in my boot camp class!!
I loved this!
ROTFL – its like you were there, watching me suffer in my boot camp class!!
I loved this!
Wish I’d read this BEFORE my first class …
Wish I’d read this BEFORE my first class …
So funny. Good to hear that someone else doesn’t feel like a life in lycra is for them!
There should also be a law against newbies being forced to the front.
There should also be a law against newbies being forced to the front.